Friday, February 28, 2014

A City Without Walls

pa·tience - ˈpāSHəns, noun, see also: self-control

1. the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast. Antonyms include hastiness and impetuousness.

In my last post I mentioned that, though I am a spontaneous person, I am somewhat of a planner. I have to clarify that this is typically in matters of finances or career choices. When it comes to other matters, especially those of the heart, I have always been of the dive-feet-first-with-my-hair-on-fire breed. While some aspects of that kind of personality is commendable - I could never be blamed for not being willing to try new things or let fear of being hurt again stop me - there are other aspects that can be very damaging. I could fill this entire blog with detailed descriptions of why I know this to be true, but I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I am a slow learner and it took more than a few burns to get to where I am now.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

No One Left Behind

For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them. (Matthew 18:20)

I realize that my posts lately have appeared on the surface to be a bit grim. The things that have been going on in my personal life have been wickedly difficult to walk through, and as a result God has been working with me to get to the other side.  Underneath it all, though, is the revelation that a golden thread of hope has been woven through it all holding me together. Every day I wake up is brighter than the one before. My joy that was buried (never stolen) is being uncovered again and I am beginning to feel my strength returning. I am in a position to think back on what I’ve learned and what I have been shown and I want to explain why this blog has taken a walk down the back alleyways at night.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Stage is Set: Your Inner Monologue

There’s a little girl sitting on a straight-backed wooden chair with her feet dangling over the seat. They can’t reach the floor so she kicks them back and forth. One muddy shoe is untied and the laces graze the wooden planks as her legs move. Her little fingers are slightly sticky and intertwined and she fumbles them on her lap nervously. A thin beam of watery sunlight rests on her disheveled curly hair, making it look like a nest. Her name is Uncertainty. Surrounding her in a circle sit dozens of versions of her of all ages and types, each a voice, waiting for their turn to usurp her and take her place in the center chair - the place of prominence.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Rope Burns and Promises

I’ve been through some stuff. Like, “whoa, what the heck just happened?” kind of stuff. Things that have completely altered the course of my life. Some of it was happenstance, some of it, I am ashamed to say, was self-inflicted. The point is, I know how to handle heaviness. I know how to handle the darkness. At least, I thought I did.

In the past, whenever something has seemed like it was going to swallow me up, I have been able to hold on to the thought that it was only a matter of time before things became right again. Just hold on for a little while longer and it would all be ok. And it always was. I always just waited and worked through and it would even out.

For the reasons I spoke about in my last post, this time around wasn’t like that. I didn’t even have the awareness or wherewithal to tell myself to just give it time. I just didn’t see how that would be possible. I thought to myself, “there is no amount of time that is going to make this OK,” and I believed it. Even the darkest situation can seem defeatable when there is a spark of hope. When that spark is gone, the sunniest day can seem as though the clouds are going to choke you out. I had lost my hope.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Tuning to the Right Frequency: A Cautionary Tale

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. ~ Psalm 139:23-24

Without any level of melodrama or exaggeration, I can say with full confidence that the past three weeks have been the most trying time of my life. It came on the tails of a season where I was becoming increasingly more weary every day so that when the lightning finally struck, I was left without energy or clarity of mind to deal with the circumstance. As this unfolded, I experienced a state of being I have never gone through before... and it scared me.